Wednesday, May 28, 2008

All together now, Shut up, Billy Mays

OF COURSE, it's rude, but I'm ready to tell pitchman Billy Mays to shut up. The problem I can't get his high-pitched and annoying voice out of my head or off my TV.
And, another one, is that fast-talking Sham something "salesman" being rude by blathering, "Did you get that camera guy?" Hey, this slickster has been working with his camera person for 7, 286 commercials now, and he still doesn't know his name. Give me a break, Sham Wow guy.
So you get my drift. I know I have been watching far too much TV, particularly those ear-piercing commercials, in hi-def or hi-tech or whatever the latest technological discovery on this planet happens to be.
While writing this mid-week column, I kept repeating to myself there were more important subjects to ponder and I started to list them: 1. The aftermath of the quake in China.2. The Israel-Palestinian situation.3. Martha Stewart.4. Quakes, hurricanes, tornadoes.
And then that voice started in my head again: "Tell 'em Billy sent you" or was that the TV in the living room giving me a less-than-subtle message?
Just last month, I was belly-aching about cell-phone abusers, which seem to flood our highways and byways, and it brought up another lengthy list of other pet peeves, which has given me Exedrin Headache #854 (see, I told you, I have been watching too much TV).
However, I am not alone in this complaint department and so I decided to check other lists (most of them now on the Net):
Take for instance:
* Grocery carts with one bad wheel or any other non-working part. Of course, whether you live in this area or on the other side of the world, you've run into that problem. And the question which keeps scurrying through this feeble brain happens to be: Where is the Used Grocery Cart hospital? Someone must have an answer. Also how much can you get for a broken-down grocery cart? Particularly, the one that has at least one bad wheel.
* Here's something that's really annoying: Essays that begin in this way: "According to Webster ..." Enough said, but according to my Funk and Wagnall ...!
* And then there's this one, which I'm certain you've heard before, or you've shouted it: "Drop it" the moment a conversation veers into an unwanted direction.
* There are also some things which should be banned in this life and that's backpacks. I say that after being blindsided (at an airport once again) by someone not accounting for that item when turning sideways in such a confined area. "Hey, Buddy, watch out where you're swinging that thing. What's in there?" Of course, there's never a "sorry" as you try to wipe the blood away from your nose.
While continuing to search the Net, these common pet peeves came to the forefront:
* Installing a toilet paper roll so that the tissue unwraps from the under side of the roll. Alright, I'll admit it, The Missus has corrected me more than once on that tissue (oops, issue).
* Also I have pleaded guilty on numerous occasions of having a drawer stuffed with cords, adapters, and electrical plugs to unknown machinery. But, but, they could become useful, if I only could figure out what they plug into.
Then there are annoying things concerning the "beast" that you're driving:
* People who take almost an eternity to leave a parking space and watch you grow into old age as you're waiting for it.
* Speed bumps you didn't see, but hit at 120 mph. There goes the shock absorbers -- again.
And then there are telephone annoyances:
* Your phone call being put on the speaker, so everyone from your office can know what's new and embarrassing in your life. Arggghhhh!
* Someone who puts you on hold and then plays that XVGH&&%%& music for an hour in your ear. Of course, you could slam the phone receiver down, but no one would hear and when you pick up the phone again, that same XH&&&&%** music is still playing.
So those annoying things burn your bippy, too, but as I finished this column, I could still hear Billy Mays' annoying pitch in the background.
Now, where on earth is his OFF button?
Kaboom! There it is. Click


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